At 2 months in, I’ve realized that raising a baby is a conundrum.

The past month has flown by, but so much has happened it feels like it’s been forever since the last update.

At times I’m convinced Thad is closer to six months old than two. But then I see “Tips for moms!” that explain something for a two-week-old and think about how it applies to me before I remember that he’s actually nine weeks old, not two.

The first half of April consisted a lot of me trying to soak up all of my last weeks at home with T. I got used to going out with him tagging along – we even made two big trips to the grocery store (with the second being more successful than the first). I figured out how to time errands out so that he wouldn’t be cranky. So much learning.

We made the trek to Hays to see my little sister get married on the 26^th, which means got Thad got to meet much of my extended family, and have his first hotel stay. I enjoy every chance I get to see them, as they're from all over (Pennsylvania, Illinois, Kentucky, Oklahoma...) and I was really excited they got to meet T. He stuck to his sleeping schedule at night, even though we messed up his daytime schedule. He was awesome and slept the whole way to Hays, and the whole way home. Seriously, I’m nervous to ever have another baby because he sleeps so well.

Sadly, my eight weeks of maternity leave were up on April 28^th. We found a great place for Thad to attend daycare, and thankfully Michael does drop offs in the morning, because I don’t think I could have handled that the first day. He had a rough first couple days, but seems to be getting better now and more into a routine. They have a camera so I can check in every once in awhile (or.. more) and while it’s nice to be able to see he’s doing well, it’s also really hard to check in and see him crying, so I’m cutting back on checking. I know he’s well taken care of, and if something’s wrong they’ll let me know. But the control freak in me has a really hard time letting anyone else have such a large hand in raising him. But I’m learning. Also, Thad has a lookalike in his room so sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s who.

I’d like to think Michael and I are adjusting well to everything. I have no idea how Michael manages juggling school and parenting. I know he’s stressed so I try to handle as much as I can, but he always asks if there’s anything else he can do for me which is amazing, even if I don’t need help. He’s such a great dad and husband.

Sometimes I struggle with thinking about the future and parenting. If I already question so much about what I’m doing, how am I going to handle the next eighteen years? I have to say, I had the best role models when it comes to parenting though. My mom and dad are the best out there and I’ll fight anyone who says differently. My dad wrote a blog post recently, and in the middle mentioned “The hundredth time you disappointed them.” and I’m not sure if he meant disappointing us kids, or his parents or what, but I realized that my parents have never disappointed me. They’ve always been there for the important things, listened, helped when I needed, yet let me learn things on my own even if I know it hurt them letting me do it on my own. Am I going to be able to do the same for my kids? How do I find that perfect balance of helping and letting go that they seemed to find? How do I be protective without being overprotective? Push without pushing too hard? How many of my kids are going to need therapy? (“There was this one time my mom just…”)

It all seems really daunting. Really. Almost crushing.

I know people can give me all sorts of answers to my questions, and I can internalize all of them, but at the end of the day I have to learn on my own. I think that’s what scares me the most. This isn’t some sort of college exam where if I fail the worst that happens is I get a bad grade. These are actual lives. What if I do something to really fuck up my kids? I can’t ever take that back. I’m lucky to have Michael by my side – it helps, having a partner to help me feel things out. I know we’ll make mistakes, but that’s never something I’ve been good at handling.

I just hope we don’t mess Thad up too much in the process.

Oofta. That was a bit deep. Back to the surface with all the fun things about the baby this month.