Hope Still Flies

I was all set to write Atti's 6-year birthday post, until I logged into blogger and saw that I stopped writing for Thad after 5.

But now what do I do with all the feelings? I've been writing some sort of post related to pregnancy or kids for... 9.5 years now.

I guess that's what I have therapy for, but... words are easier.

Reading through last year's post, I realized not much has changed with the boys. Overall family update would be that we moved back to Kansas. We've settled into our new routine here, with the boys being in 3rd grade and kindergarten. Michael's set at his new job, still doing the teaching the grad students thing. We're very glad to be back closer to family and friends who can help out with the boys. We're doing the sports thing. (Both kids love them. Neither are aggressive or overly competitive.)

Atti is six today. He has been SO excited for his birthday. Their school offers the chance to go eat with your kid, so I'm taking him McDonalds for lunch, dropping off mini cupcakes for his class... we don't do birthday parties with classmates and such, just do stuff as a family. His request was mini golf with Aunt Sarah, Uncle Shawn, and Uncle Craig... so that's what we're doing. In-between basketball games. 

He is still a little lovebug. He can play independently, but much prefers to be playing with someone else. When you're sitting with him on the couch, he would like to be sitting RIGHT next to you. He tells stories that go on and on in every which direction. But he also has the sweetest heart, and does not like the possibility that someone is mad at him. A people pleaser in the most real way. And forget him thinking he's been left alone (you leave a toddler in a car in a garage for 15 seconds ONE TIME). He doesn't like loud noises, thunderstorms, or the dark. But he will gladly cuddle with you any time. And talk your ear off about almost any subject. Thankfully, he sleeps better than he did for the first 3 years of his life. 

He still doesn't like vegetables though. Or most meat. He does like sports, video games, playing action figures.

(Unless I write at ten/fifteen/eighteen. Meh. We'll see.)

FIVE. I haven't had a newborn for FIVE YEARS. 

When people ask how old my kids are, and I now say, "Basically 8 and 5." first, I feel old. Then I am repeatedly hit with... how did that happen? My babies are just... kids. Boys. 

We're in this space between toddlerhood and pre-teen years where they're independent, but still so loving and occasionally need me for cuddles, though those times are fewer and fewer.

Atti, though. I'm not sure he'll ever not want love.

Our little love-bug. Our people person. His infectious laugh will get anyone. 

He's five. 

Our year has been fairly quiet. A few trips (Mississippi beach trip, Colorado family trip, Kansas City, Wichita). Loving our family time when we get to Kansas. Sports - fall and winter soccer for Atti (cross-country and basketball for Thad). They're both learning and growing so much in so many ways. It's hard to see in the day-to-day. Even now looking back on the last year, everything flows and blends together so much I have a hard time picking out everything. 

We've been healthy, and a little anti-social. Playing all the word-games and whatever thing was popular a year ago.

But, this is about Atticus. 

He has sprouted into such a beautiful little soul. He wears his feelings right there on his sleeve, no matter what form they're taking. We've made progress on how to handle those BIG feelings when they come over him. Inside voices and deep breaths. The ways his eyes glisten every day with the life inside him... it's amazing. He pushes me to grow, which I so appreciate. 

Even if that means saying hi to the neighbors when I'd rather sneak inside.

He likes everything Thad likes. Pokemon, sports, Fortnite, Nerf blaster... he also has a few things Thad has grown out of - action figures and cars. Atti is always reluctant when I ask them to play separately. He so much wants to be where someone else is, playing with someone else, interacting with someone else. Since the DAY HE WAS BORN. 

But I love watching when he plays or works by himself. He's creative. Imaginative. In a way I am not. I struggle with anything like that. I so love watching it.

Back to emotions on his sleeve - he loves saying he loves us. Giving hugs. Saying "YOU'RE THE BEST MOMMY IN THE WORLD" even when I'm not. A lot of his ailments can be solved with a big hug and soft words. He's scared of the dark, spiders, and thunderstorms. His palette has expanded slightly, but he's still not big on eating most meats. He is anxious in a different way than Thad is. I left the other day when they were outside playing. Michael was still home. But he saw the car pulling out of the driveway, and I could see the panic and tears on his face. So I had to stop and reassure him that everything was okay, dad was still home. He was not alone. 

I am thankful for easier bedtimes, more sleep (YAY), and independence. I sometimes long for baby/toddler cuddles, words & phrases, wobbly legs... but at the end of the day, I really do watch loving who both boys are becoming. I am so proud of them. 

Atticus. Thank you for being you. For helping me to see and learn new things about the world around me. For showing me that it's okay to wave to people and say hi. May you always keep this beautiful side of you. Never let anyone tell you you're not good enough. My Atti Bear, you can do anything you want to. And dad and I will always be there to support you. 

Atti vs Thad at 5.

Atti.

No, I most definitely DID NOT almost forget to write this.

I definitely just completely forgot until Ashley reminded me.

And I could blame the insane weather the past week. Or the crazy world for the past year. 

It's probably some combination of everything.

Your birthday sneaked up on me real good this year. Anything I've planned has been interrupted.

Including this blog post, as you're calling me from the other room instead of sleeping. Like we fed you birthday cake two hours ago or something.

Switching back to talking to an audience instead of Atti... HI everyone.

I think I usually start these with general life updates. Last year's post I had zero idea what was coming the world's way. Sure, there were grumblings of a new virus heading around China. I was trying to be optimistic - hopefully something like SARS or MERS that could be easily contained.

Oh, naive me.

Well, first we got Buttercup, our lovely little sheltie/golden retriever/lab mix. She's sweet, and the most loving thing. Usually too much love. But she's the gentlest dog and the boys love her. 

We were all home starting mid-March. All of us. Both boys home. Michael home. Michael trying to teach. Me trying to work. Both of us trying to do some form of school for the boys. Neither really went virtual, it was just... done for the year. Insert image of me pretending I could juggle all it at once. Turns out, I couldn't.

A year ago tonight, was really just like any other night.Thad and I stopped and got some Papa Johns pizza for dinner, because Aunt Sarah had mentioned during the day it sounded good, so I obviously had to have some for dinner. I'd been having a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions, but didn't really think much of them since they're fairly normal. Night other than that was pretty normal. 

But when I woke up the morning of the 24th, a Friday, something didn't feel right. Pretty regular BH contractions. Coming and going in waves. I tried to decide about going in to work, ended up getting dressed and starting my drive in. About halfway there, I had a gut feeling that I probably shouldn't be going in. So I turned around and went home. Sent a few work emails saying I'd be on after I made a quick trip to the doctor to get checked out.

Except it didn't quite happen that way.

Contractions were happening and didn't stop. Fluids didn't slow them down. Turns out, you were ready to make your entrance. Much to my freakout. 3 whole weeks early. I already had a c-section scheduled for March 13th! Not to mention, the rest of us were born on odd numbered days - how could you even think about being born on the 24th? But, the doctor said it was time to head to the hospital, though I had time to run home and grab my stuff. I called your dad, and though he had a feeling this was where things were headed, had still gone to work. He was going to meet me at home. He made some jokes to try and keep me calm (I was doing just fine, thank you). 

Thankfully I'd at least mostly packed, just had to grab some last minute things. After I was all set and still waiting for your dad, I took a minute in the room you'd soon share with your brother. It was the one time that day I allowed myself to fully feel everything - excitement, nervousness, and sadness. I was ready to be done being pregnant, but I was going to miss out on the last 3 weeks. Thad was going to be picked up from daycare confused because mom and dad weren't there. I think that was the hardest part - not really getting to say "see you later" to Thad. His whole world was about to be turned upside-down, and no matter how we prepared him, I couldn't be there to help him adjust. 

But I gathered myself, made sure arrangements were made for Thad, that our families knew what was going on. And then we were on to the hospital. Checked in, hooked up, and in no time flat into the OR. A short time later, there you were, screaming your way into our lives. A teeny tiny little dude - over two pounds less than your brother, you were 6 pounds, 2 ounces of little might. Everything seemed okay at first. As we were cuddling in recovery, your dad and I noticed you were grunting a bit as you breathed. The first time we asked, nurses weren't concerned, but the second time they decided to get you checked out. 

And that was the last time I saw you for several hours.

Your dad kept me updated via text. Turns out you were struggling to breathe, and your chest x-rays showed you had some fluid in your lungs. Not entirely unexpected for a late-term premie born via c-section. But they had to keep you in the special care nursery. Later that evening, the nurse helped me up into a wheelchair and I was able to go down to see you. Even preparing myself, it was hard to see you hooked up to the wires and oxygen. I wasn't able to hold you too long - you were pretty sensitive to stimuli still. 

The next week was full of firsts I wasn't expecting. First dealings with IVs in my baby. First time you met your brother - through a window. First time hearing the alarms of your vitals monitor showing your O2 or heartrate was below where it should be. First time dealing with acid reflux in a baby. First time recovering from a c-section by taking multiple walks to the nursery. It was tough. After learning that the fluid on your lungs had receded, but you had pneumonia and would have to be at the hospital for several days, it hit me hard. I was actually okay until the doctor said, "You guys look sadder today." Nothing since the morning of the 24th had gone how I had hoped. Sure, you were early, but you were still supposed to come home with me after 3 days. Celebrate Thad's 3rd birthday with us at home. I'm a planner. Not only were things not going to plan, I couldn't even kind of steer how they were going. In addition you also had to have a spinal tap to make sure you didn't have meningitis - that would have meant we had to send you to a bigger hospital in Kansas City. Thankfully, we were able to avoid that. 

But slowly, you got better. With reflux medicine, you were able to keep your O2 up while you drank your bottle. You got to spend time out of the nursery. Then a night out of the nursery. Then they took the IV out of your head. And then on March 4th, you got to come home with us.

Minus a few setbacks, it's been growing and learning ever since. Even now, you're still pretty tiny, but oh-so-mighty. Walking everywhere, yelling up a storm, letting us know exactly when you're unhappy. Your eyes the bluest of blue that look right through me. Two little teeth, but the best of smiles you give with them. You love getting into everything, playing with anything that makes noise, stacking blocks. In an ideal world, your brother would let you play with any and everything he plays with. I hope that as time goes on, your relationship with Thad grows stronger and stronger. You two will always have each other. Don't forget that.

And, my baby, my hopes for you are as high as the sun. Just like for your brother. I hope I can raise you to be respectful and empathetic; to know that love is the greatest force on this planet. I want you to know that even in the darkest of times, hope will pull you through. That you can do anything you put your mind to. But most of all, I hope that you know that I will always love you. There will inevitably be times I'll be disappointed in you, but know that learning is a part of life, and I have to let you do that.

Don't get me wrong, I know there will be times I'll disappoint you too. I just hope in times that I am less than 100%, that you remember that I'm doing my best. It's hard, this life thing. So many people telling all of us so many different things, and being criticized for one wrong move. Your dad and I, we're doing our best. But that doesn't mean we won't make mistakes. I hope you can forgive us when we fall short.

The world can be a scary place. That doesn't change as you get older. Always remember that your dad and I will always be here for you. Regardless of time, place, situation - we are here for you. I hope by the time you get to be an adult, some things in society will have changed. No matter what the world looks like though, hold true to yourself. Let the people you love know you love them. Be strong, but don't be afraid to let your feelings show through. Love, and let yourself be loved. You might only be one, but I already know you're going to be a force. Don't let people hold you back, but be sure you listen to others. Be open-minded. Try to see all sides of an argument. Be informed. Be smart.

I'm not sure when you'll read this. But chances are, you're used to that rambling up there. (Even more chance that you've inherited it.) You may or may not know, that I'm better at expressing myself through writing than through words. Even if I ramble. I do want to say that I love you more now than I did the day you were born. And by the time you read this, I'll love you more than I do today. Forever and ever, my Atti.

Love,
Mom

Yeah, yeah, Atti being two is old news. 

The bigger question is, how is my firstborn turning five?!

This tiny guy:

He's had another great year of learning and growing. He's excelling in pre-k - beginning to learn sight words, recognizes/identifies numbers up to around 100, has finally taken more of an interest in coloring and drawing. He loves talking and basically narrating what he's doing some of the time. He also still talks like an old man sometimes ("My mistake!", "I was so worried for a minute!").

Thad is still such a sweetheart. He's not big on touchy-feely stuff usually (his friends at school come up and say "huggy!" when he leaves normally, and he'll half hug them. We've had talks about how he's always allowed to say no and offer a high five instead.) He does hold hands with us when we're walking, and likes to cuddle when he wakes up and before bed. But that's mostly us. With other people he's more cautious. In general. We see his anxieties surface when we're in new/loud situations still. He has new worries at night about pictures in his room moving, or his door moving. He also still clams up sometimes when strangers talk to him, which is fine by me. I feel like he's pretty emotionally mature for a five-year-old. He rarely has breakdowns, and when he does he's usually overtired. And they aren't screaming outbursts for the most part, he just breaks down into tears. He rarely talks back. He told me 3 times after I got home today that he loved my haircut. 

All that makes up for him taking forever to eat and asking a million questions.

But he's also still grown so much. His and Atti's relationship is growing for sure. Thad loves to make him laugh. They play blasters together, sometimes build blocks together. I have to remind Thad that Atti is still little and he can't talk to him like an adult (trying to tell him how to play a game, or giving him many steps at once on how to do something). But he is also really helpful. He'll take Atti into the bathroom when he brushes his teeth in the morning. Today I looked in and he was actually brushing Atti's teeth after Atti had his turn. Then this afternoon he helped Atti put his shoes on. Don't get me wrong, they still argue about what video to watch, and whose turn it is with whatever toy. But sometimes Thad will back down and just let Atti have what he wants. ("It's okay, I was done with this anyway.") I'm still learning how to juggle all that. We set timers to share toys and such. Sometimes it works, sometimes Atti screams. What can you do.

Current favorites: Star Wars, nerf blasters, YouTube (Turbo Toy Time, Blippi), Legos, sports. He sometimes has trouble focusing when we're doing something like reading, but who doesn't? He also has a great imagination, and sometimes I think he's talking to me, just to be told "Just talking to myself." We know that keeping him informed of what's going on, or what's going to happen, helps keep him calm. He also loves music and dancing. Soccer starts up again in a few weeks. 

Decided to re-do last year's survey with him...

I can't believe I'm already to the "stopping point" for his baby book. That it's time to get the last 3 years printed and put on the shelf next to Thad's. My teeny tiny fighter is now a whirlwind of chaos and personality. 

First, our normal update. This winter (knock on wood) has been kinder to us as far as sickness goes. No one caught the flu (so far), which might be a first for us. We're cycling through colds, but all things considered, could be way worse. And for that, I'm thankful. We ARE all tired of snow days. At least, I am. And we DID have our first glue incident. Thankfully, they weren't stitches. I had their little reading chair next to the couch. And Atti has a thing for standing on couches/chairs. Well, it fell backwards and he smashed his head on the corner of our IKEA shelf. Cue the blood. And me taking him to get glued up at the doctor. He's got a nice scar now.

Atti's had a great few months. His vocabulary is still expanding, and he's kind of hilarious. Some of my current favorite things, are especially when I ask him if he wants something to eat or drink and he goes, "Yeeeeeeeees!" and even bends down and jumps up. So Thad's definitely not the only dramatic one around. (Michael still claims he doesn't know where they get it from.) He also loves singing "Wheels on the Bus", and "Five Little Monkeys". 

Atti started in the twos room at the beginning of last month, and is doing great. He loves his teacher, the other kids are awesome. It's obvious he's learning (both good and bad). He's kind of started potty training, but we're not pushing. We offer sometimes, they take him every hour or so at school. Push harder in another couple months probably.

It's kind of amazing how different kids can be. Reading T's 2 year post I talk about how he doesn't really throw tantrums, but he has an angry face and such. Atti... Doesn't throw crazy thrash-about tantrums, but he did sit himself right down on the floor in Dillons the other day and cried because I didn't give him a banana we hadn't paid for yet. And as I went to see which free fruit they had, five feet away, he just stayed there. And poor Thad just stood there with him, refusing to leave Atti. Atti is definitely more defiant, and cries when he gets in trouble. Does NOT like Michael's stern voice, but couldn't care less when I use mine. Usually just removing Atti from the situation (hi, don't jump on the couch - I'll put you on the floor) works, but he'll cry about it for awhile. He, so far, hasn't had big problems with hitting or biting, and isn't easily frustrated. When Thad has a toy he wants, though, watch out. And, oh man, does he love jumping. Onto, off of, you name it. Wherever his short little legs can get him onto.

Thad's good. He'll get his own post next week. He's our smart, sensitive, funny soul. 

Michael and I are good too. Lots of questions and big decisions over the next few months. He graduates in May! THE END. Actually, no, because apparently there's a lot of like, planning? with graduations. And I'm the worst planner of parties on the planet. So I'm mostly avoiding that. Beyond that lies... the rest of the year. New jobs, Thad starts kindergarten, all that. Taking it one day at a time.

(Which is a great show on Netflix you should watch if you haven't.)

ATTICUS.

• Won't know his height and weight for sure until tomorrow, but about 28 pounds and 34 inches. 
• 2T/3T shirts, 2T pants. Some are still a little long.
• Still not a big fan of most meat. His favorite meals are mac & cheese and hot dogs, spaghetti, pizza, and applesauce. And doughnuts and cookies. Sigh.
• He STILL doesn't have his last one year molar. Like, come on kid. Working on tooth 12 and 13 (canines). His teeth take FOREVER.
• Sleep is still touch and go. We bought him a twin mattress and put it on the bottom "bunk" of Thad's loft. Gives him more room to thrash about as he does. He's slept through the night a few more times than he did before, which is nice.
• Knows colors, shapes, can identify a few letters. Likes counting. The other days was drawing on our chalkboard and said, "I spell Atticus. A-b-w-x-y-z-w-x-y". Close enough.
• Still loves dumping things out. Jumping on/off furniture.
• Favorite things are shooting nerf blasters and other little projectile things from our action figures. Want to know how many we've lost???
• Baby Shark still cures all.
• Paci time is limited to nap/bed/car/cuddle for the most part. Progress!
• Favorite shows are whatever Thad's watching. Dude Perfect, Little Baby Bum, Lego Marvel stuff
• Also love sports and "trick shots", just like Thad. 
• LOVES dog. And babies. Gets concerned when he hears babies crying.
• He is a wild sleeper. Moves a TON. He still ends up in our bed occasionally. I've been hit in the head, nose, eye, more times than I can count at this point.
• He loves sitting on laps, near people. If Thad's on the ipad, Atti can be found sitting right next to him.
• BEST hug giver. 

Happy 2nd Birthday, AR.

Here we are - the last update before 2 years. I will say, normally it feels like a flash between these updates, but 18 months seems like forever ago at this point. I don't even know where to begin.

His language keeps improving, even with a couple more ear infections under his belt. He communicates well, and understands well (though listening is another story). As a family, we've settled into our fall routine. Michael's adjusted well to the VA, and it's nice knowing he'll be home by 5:30 every day and rarely has to leave at night. He's working on applying for jobs that start after graduation (May, but officially done in July), and I can't believe he's finally finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. (Job searching/applying/interviewing is a whole other stressor, but he's doing well.)

Work is still great for me. The boys are doing well in school - Thad's starting basic sight words, his coloring has much improved, and he's starting to do some small addition on his own too? Using his fingers. 

Minus the ear infections, we're all relatively healthy for this time of year in our house. Fingers crossed the flu shots keep us healthy from that this year.

We're into the holiday season, and it's still so much fun. Quiet, but great Thanksgiving with Craig. We watched Santa get rescued here in town last night (annual event), and they were both very into that. We'll be going to the Christmas tree farm next weekend. Very busy month of December ahead, and I'm not such a fan of the snow that we've been lucky to really avoid the past few years. 

I'm thankful and feeling the love. I may fall asleep earlier and easier than I use to, but they're worth it.

Basics update. But he's growing and learning, still such a joy to be around. He's hilarious and smart, and still enjoys cuddles on his terms. A fantastic hug-giver, and the biggest fan of his brother. He likes running around and exploring. "Mine" is much more a thing now.

18 vs 21 months:

  

Thad vs Atti at 21 months (Thad was a GIANT)

      

...and he is just every bit a toddler.